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So I heard about this new(ish) service called Alice.com, where users can manage an account that services their monthly household supply needs (e.g.: toilet paper, batteries, detergent, soap, toothpaste, etc.). It’s kinda like the Netflix of consumer packaged goods. According to a recent post on Mashable.com, Alice wants its users to answer two questions:

1. Do you run out of stuff?
2. And do you hate going to the Wal-Mart or grocery store to buy it all?

If you’re like me, you probably also answered “yes, and yes” to both queries. I decided to check it out– anything to save me time and effort is good in my book. Or, is it?

I logged onto the site’s friendly interface, thinking this would just take a minute. I was right, because as soon as I selected the easy-to-find “Start your FREE account” button, I was stopped cold by what I saw next. Displayed across the page were adorable cartoon likenesses of myself and potential family members, each inviting me to customize hair, eyes, and skin tone to better “tailor” my experience. A friendly speech balloon hovers over each family member, gently saying “Pick Me!”.

Here’s my problem with Alice: By picking one of these icons, thereby acknowledging which of them I and those in my household most resemble, I know I’m about to embark on a very clever path of giving up every bit of personal data known to man. Right off the bat, the site will capture my sex, age, marital status (not to mention the same of my wife’s, children, and infants living in the home). I thought “ah-uuh, not so fast.”

Curious to know with whom my info would be shared, I checked out their privacy policy (more like non-privacy). The not-so-fine print fesses up to collecting nearly any type of personal as well as non-personal data they wish. This means email addresses, mobile numbers, household demographics and income data, the age of your kids and even your ISP address. In most cases they reserve the right to share it with others whenever they please! Considering the thousands of marketers and product providers associated with Alice, I at short last reached a decision: “I’ll go to the store to get my own toilet paper, thank you very much.”

The last thing I need is for every brand and provider of toilet paper to know my TP usage rate. After all, that’s the service Alice provides: Users specify the quantity of goods needed, as well as the time it takes for the household to consume said goods, and Alice replenishes supplies as often as the needs demand. They even ship for free, so you’ll never have to drive to the store again! It sounds great, I know, but the underlying issue by far supercedes my laziness of making that corner store run for TP at midnight.

The next two steps in Alice.com’s sign-up process showcase the innumerable product offerings, and of course, the capturing of your account information. I’m not really worried about my banking info as much as I am for my actual physical address. It’s a mail service, so for it to work, you have to give up where you live. That’s CITY, STATE, and ZIP folks. To recap, this would add my mailing address to the list of consumer data they’ve already collected surrounding not only me, but my family too! My poor children would never forgive me if I signed them up as infants. Sure they’d like the free birthday promotions and coupons sent from the ENTIRE CPG industry, but I’m guessing a free Downy Snuggle Bear would get old after age 6 or so. We’d be buried under a mountain of junk mail before Jr.’s seventh birthday.

So don’t do it folks. Don’t sell your family members down the river to an endless mailing list in the sky. Buy your goods on a real-time “needs” basis; the old fashioned way, by driving (or walking or riding a bike) to your friendly corner store or grocery, where you kinda know the attendant, and he kinda knows you. You’re kids will thank you, your spouse will thank you, and the earth will thank you.